Over the last few years I have spent a lot of my “me” time considering my role as a father and husband and how infinitely mingled that experience is with everything else in my life. Working with people in pain and exploring how their pain affects them beyond the direct sensations and limitations they experience has recently become a part of these contemplations and, if you’ll indulge me, I wanted to share a few of those thoughts and questions that have come up over that time. I’m not sure where this ride may go, so bare with me!

I watched a video recently in which Jason Momoa discusses his relationship with his three kids. There is one line in particular stuck out to me and has stayed with me since. He said something to the effect of “when I think about it I have 5 years left where I am the centre of their world. 5 summers”. This line resonated with me so strongly because prioritising my time with my wife and kids has become a major focus for me and hearing that made me super aware of the time that has already passed.

Like many, I have struggled with managing my stress. Although I never really considered myself a stressed person, in retrospect I can see that the last 5 years or so were quite stressful for me. Over time I’ve become aware that one way my stress manifests is that I can withdraw from my role as a father and husband and be drawn towards things like YouTube and Instagram. Reflecting on this I see that I’m looking for something mindless; I’m drawn to these things because they offer me a mental break from my thoughts and an ‘escape’ from my stress.

Over time I grew more and more frustrated with myself as the more I engaged in my mindless ‘escape strategies’ the more I was missing out on my children and not appreciating everything that my wife was doing behind the scenes. I was frustrated that I wasn’t being the father and husband I know I am and I was frustrated further by the fact that I couldn’t break that habit (and it was a habit. Reaching for my phone felt more like a reflex than a planned action) and commit to being the husband and father I expect myself to be.

I still exercised regularly and maintained a relatively quiet social life, but all of my childhood hobbies had gone unpracticed for years. I enjoyed drawing and playing the guitar whilst growing up. I hadn’t drawn in nearly 15 years and only occasionally would play the guitar; never learning anything new, just rehashing the same 5-10 songs that I still remembered. Giving my time to scrolling through social media and not to my hobbies was another source of frustration for me. My stresses were leading me to take on behaviours that I felt were making me less of who I was and far less of who I wanted to be.

I know I’m not alone in this experience and, all in all, this is nothing new. But a few questions that have arisen for me are: 

• for those who feel this disconnect AND are suffering with pain, do you have an extra burden to carry that you feel further separates you from being the parent and partner you saw yourself being? 

• Is the pain that you feel for not living up to the expectations you set for yourself magnified by having physical pain that puts up more barriers between where you are now and where you want to be? 
  
• Do you feel that your physical pain perpetuates your ‘escape strategies’ or tendencies towards mindless activities?

Looking at it now, I feel like these questions are mostly rhetorical. For those whose pain interferes with their daily life the better question may be, are you hoping that finding relief for your physical pain will unburden you of your personal pain? Will it unburden the pain of watching your children grow up whilst looking over the top of your phone or iPad? Will finding relief finally allow you to give more of yourself to your kids and your partner?

While the answer to the question may be “yes”, I believe the reality is that it won’t. Not completely, at least. If nothing changes, how can we expect change to occur? If you become pain free but still don’t manage your stress, what’s changed? Nothing. You’re still stressed and looking for an escape and avoiding your role as a parent and partner. If you expect change to occur but you don’t change anything then I’m pretty sure that makes you crazy.

Although harsh and inflammatory if taken as an attack, I promise you I am not meaning to offend you and I apologise if you have taken offence. My intention is to look deeper at the role that pain plays in our lives and the far reaching effects it may have on an already ‘pained’ existence. Becoming pain free is not a golden ticket to happiness. Finding relief will hopefully go a long way to knocking down walls that are in the way of true happiness and fulfilment. But if there are still a lot of walls to knock down then, like me, you had better get to work.

I am very grateful that my own search has led me to take a lot of meaningful steps towards becoming the father I hope to be and the husband that my wife deserves. I hope that for those of you who read this and see yourself in my story that it gives you hope. I hope that it gives you motivation for taking that first step towards making change and being the driver of that change; not waiting for someone to take you there.

One of my major goals with the Geelong Physical Therapy Centre is to help parents overcome their pain so that they can be more engaged as a parent and as a partner. I want parents to reduce the barriers that limit them from becoming the best version of themselves so that they can raise children who are active, inspired, curious and attentive.

If you're a parent and you your next step is to get on top of your aches and pains so that you can restore your health and fitness and get back to doing the hobbies and activities that sparked joy and happiness for you, then reach out and email me at carey@geelongphysicaltherapy.com.au and we'll get that journey started.